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OK, I admit. I have no idea how these questions pop into my brain, but think it has something to do with an inherent curiosity about…well…stuff like this: kissing. (Hey, it’s Valentine’s month!)
I remember reading a novel years ago and the question was asked by a young woman considering marriage, speaking to a lady who had enjoyed quite an adventurous life, which had included numerous marriages.
“How do you know when it’s fading? I see so many people still going through the motions but there’s no longer any joy. I don’t mean to be defeatist and I hope the love will last, but I also like the way you’ve lived so freely. How do you know?”
She replied, “Well, I may have exited too soon on occasion but we are all different. For me, it was when the kissing stopped. I don’t mean the warm familiarity kiss — I mean the KISSING!”
Now that’s not verbatim from the book but I don’t want to take credit for the concept and that’s how I remember it. Read that years ago and it obviously stuck with me, and something the other day triggered its memory.
My question is: Why does something so natural, so nice for just about all of us, stop? Maybe it doesn’t for everyone but I don’t think many long- term relationships include long slow passionate kissing.
A little background homework reveals that as far as we know only chimpanzees, bonobos, orangutans and gorillas engage in what we know as kissing. They mostly use it as part of settling differences though rather than our getting-to-know you version. And, with them it’s not lingering, exploring etc. It’s more like we shake hands or offer a hug to make up after a squabble. It’s not part of a romantic introduction. So, it’s just not the same.
I went to a psychology website I frequent and all I found was life’s pressures: work, kids, bills that can get in the way. Of what? Of kissing? Decreased novelty was mentioned. Huh? The shift from intense bonding to comfortable familiarity. Yes, that’s surely part of our long-term relationships but I don’t think that addresses the question.
We all know infatuation is a limited phase but that doesn’t offer any insight into why we separate kissing from other forms of expression.
Is it, as the more experienced lady in the dialogue saw it, a sign of overall physical dissatisfaction and an indication of an emotional distance emerging? While her life was fun to read about, to seriously consider that is a bit of a reach. I guess it can be, but it’s too ubiquitous to always be the explanation. For some reason, passionate kissing seems to be connected to the discovery phase in human relationships.
By now you’re either bored with this curiosity adventure or maybe you’re kind of wondering about my question, too. It has led me to thoughts about my dad and my only regret at this stage of a full life of varied experiences. He had a very curious mind and our regular conversations always led us to the encyclopedia (remember those?). My only regret (admittedly that’s due to a conveniently selective memory) is that my dad was never exposed to the vast improvement over those extinct encyclopedias I tried to sell when in college: The computer, Google, ChatGPT, AI and whatever is coming next. Every bit of knowledge, up-to-date knowledge is available in an instant!
We live in a wonderful place in time. The easiest, most plentiful time in all of human history. Be thankful, my friends, and enjoy all we have.
Agree? Disagree? Brian Cole welcomes your viewpoints on his columns. He is a regional, national and international award-winning columnist. He welcomes your viewpoints by email at Brian5995999@msn.com.